Inappropriate Twilight Conversations: Marble Boner Accidents
- me: If Edward's body is made of marble, wouldn't his cock rip through his pants every time he got a stiffy?
- my friend: lmao
- my friend: yeah
- my friend: makes sense
- me: God, he must rip through more pants than Jacob does!
- my friend: lol
- me: How embarrassing would that be if it happened at school?
- my friend: i would love to see that
- my friend: shouldve been in the movie
- me: LOL
- me: That must be why he has that peacoat, to hide his marble boner accidents.
- my friend: omg lmao
- me: Then he has to come home and explain to Esme why he needs to go to Abercrombie and buy more pants.
- me: "I spilled some mustard on them, ok? They're ruined, those stains will never come out."
- my friend: lol
- my friend: wouldn't it be stiff all the time
- my friend: ?
- me: Yeah, how does that work?
- me: How does Edward's dick work, Stephenie? We need specifics!
- me: See, I think she didn't really think any of this shit through when she wrote it.
- my friend: i know
- my friend: she just pulls it out her ass
Don’t laugh at me until you’ve read all of this…
Before Edward rubs one out or fucks Bella he has to go hunting so his dick can get hard. He has mountain lion blood in his cock, maybe that explains why vampire sex is so dangerous.
A question has been bugging me for a long time now. Twilight. How does Mr Edward Cullen get it up if he has no blood in his body? Is he like permanently hard? Cause I bet that’s damn uncomfortable for him, and he can’t have a body made of like rock with a floppy down below…I just..someone explain please?
Holy mixed signals, Batman!
I’m imagining I am Bella Swan here: So, Edward, your family is out of the house for the night, it’s just the 2 of us, you bought this expensive very romantic looking bed just for me.. or us, since it appears large enough for 2 and has an assortment of pillows. And I’m the one who is being weird for trying to take my clothes off? You just want to cuddle and play Yahtzee all night? Seriously? Why didn’t you just bring me a futon from IKEA then?
This is the point at which I, Bella Swan, begin to question certain things about Edward Cullen’s vampiric anatomy. I think back to all the times we have cuddled in my bed or snuggled in the meadow and try to see if I recall anything hard, cold and sparkly digging into my thigh. In fact if I were Bella I would have asked about all of that much, much sooner, like in the first movie. It definitely would have made my list of ‘vampire questions,’ probably right after “what do you eat?”
a bed in Edward’s room ;)
